Thing-a-Day Jan 23 #3 - Things About Me Tuesday

 I've never been all that open about myself to others, especially people I don't know, and this is something that's been a thing in my life for a very long time. At some point during my adult life, however, this started breaking down, and certain people found out certain things about me. At this point, so many people know a few things about me that I've completely lost track of who knows what. With the fact that I'm on this newly-set path of self-actualization, I'm throwing that to the wind and throwing myself full-send into opening myself up!

Might as well throw a CONTENT WARNING right here for this entry in particular. This entry will contain descriptions of bullying. 

During my elementary school days in a religious private school, I was very often bullied by the other kids for not following the same religion. See, my parents were of the Assemblies of God Church, and the school [and the vast majority of the students] belonged to the Seventh-Day Adventist Church. Now, I'm not going to engage in a theological debate about how one is a stripped-down version of Judaism with a little extra eschatology thrown in the mix and the other is like pseudo-Calvinism but friendlier. Just stating a fact as it stands.

Anyway, because of this disconnect, I developed my loner mentality and only connected with three other students. We became the Loser's Club as one asshole sixth-grader called us... in front of a teacher... with absolutely no godsdamned repercussions. One of the three so desperately wanted to fit in with the others that he would often split from our group to play kickball with the other kids. Of course, he'd cop a ball to the face and run back, but whatever... he was persistent.

By the way, when I say 'bullied', I don't mean just verbally. Oh, no! I was constantly forced into humiliating situations by the other students on a near-constant basis. One student openly accused me in second grade of exposing myself to someone else. This damn-near got me banned from the school, but my parents cleared things up somehow. Other than that, I was pushed into gravel, tripped down a flight of stairs, physically beaten, and nothing came of it... like the teachers were okay with this sort of treatment because I was of a different ilk than the rest of the sodding bastards that attended that mental prison.

The four of us stuck together right up to sixth grade. At the beginning of fifth grade, however, I revealed to them that I'd stopped believing in God in second grade. Two of them were cautiously accepting of this but had many questions. This is completely understandable because most religious kids are taught that people who don't believe in God are 'evil'. They had this notion, of course, but also had the experience that I wasn't actually 'evil'. The third accepted this with no hesitation at all... or so I thought. During that year, the bullying worsened, and even the principal of the school was treating me quite differently. At the beginning of sixth grade, I found out why this was going on. This is a detail I mentioned a few posts back about someone I trusted betraying the shit out of me.

As mentioned, I self-sabotaged in order to get myself pulled out of that hellhole.

So, I was homeschooled right up through eighth grade. Come high-school, though, and I was put into the public school system... I did not adapt well. Don't get me wrong, I made a few friends, but almost every student identified me as a target of some kind because I was a former homeschool kid. Freshman year was hell, but I persevered, and it got better during my Sophomore year... because this was when I learned how to reverse the tactics back on the assholes that were bullying me. This attracted the wrong sort of attention, but I learned that a bit too late.

I don't remember the exact circumstances or who initiated the transfer, but I was placed in the local charter high-school on my Junior year. Here was a place I belonged! Like a nutcracker with a busted jaw finding himself washed up on the island of misfit toys! My closest friend was also transferred to this school [either by choice or not... again, can't remember many of the inciting circumstances here]. Initially, we did what we called 'the Prison Plan' where we'd pick the biggest, toughest-looking guy in the place and beat him up. Yeah, that worked about as well as using a limp noodle as a sword! The biggest, toughest-looking guy was a total softy who we ended up having a pleasant conversation about cars with. He explained that he, too, figured it was going to be like a prison scenario where one wants to establish alpha dominance but realized that everyone else here was just as broken as he was... as we were. Sure, everyone here would butt heads every once in a while, but everyone meant well, and any perceived 'bullying' was all meant in good fun!

Well, almost all of it. I mentioned getting slapped to shit by that guy because of his own shame toward a situation that he brought on himself. That was the last time in my high-school life that I'd been bullied! Well... 'bullied' isn't the right word there... more like 'assaulted'.

Anyway, there! There's a thing most people don't know about me! I was bullied for belonging to the wrong religion, having no religion at all, for being homeschooled, and because some people are just shit. I still carry some bitterness toward the whole shebang, but I'm slowly letting it go.

Very slowly.