Vid Script - 2023 Update

An Update - 2023

A lot has gone on since my last post to YouTube or significant blog update. Much of it comes down to self-realization and personal growth, and I’ve not yet really processed it out loud so… unfortunately, yes… this entry is about me.

I’m sorry if some of you will find this to be ‘pretentious’ or ‘narcissistic’. Sometimes, you just have to be open and talk about yourself. It’s not something I do a lot, and I really don’t enjoy doing it. However, this is part of the whole experiment of breaking free of my old self.

Workaholism.

Firstly, my work has become all-consuming since becoming a branch manager because I’m not only responsible for my own office, but I also assist our Corporate Team by helping other offices all over the nation. I constantly joke about being “never not on the clock”. Maybe I’ve become a workaholic. Maybe I’m not satisfied with how much work I am able to do during office hours. Maybe I’m just bored. I dunno!

Now, this isn’t inherently a negative thing. I do like the fact that it gives me something to do! However, on days where I want to unplug after work and have some “me time”, work things invade in either big or small ways. Whenever this happens, it demotivates me from returning to my unplugged state and resuming the activity I wanted to do!

For example, a couple Saturdays ago, I set out to follow a Dragon Eye painting tutorial from Yvonne Williams of Back to Earth Creations. As soon as I’d laid out a bunch of glass cabs, my paints, brushes, and other tools and materials, I received a call on my work cell. I’ll leave out the boring-ass details, but the whole situation took over the remainder of my Saturday afternoon. My wife crafted on, but I would have only had time to paint five or seven eyes. In my frustration, I put everything away and didn’t craft anything.

Again, this isn’t something I mind overall because it pays the bills, but I’d like to have a little more time to myself.

Physical Health.

Now, I’ve never been a completely healthy guy. Overall, I am mildly obese, have asthma, was a smoker for 25 years, am prone to periods of cold and flu, have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, am nearly pre-diabetic, and have other odd health issues.

Earlier this year, I started making some life changes in order to mitigate these issues before they become uncontrollable problems.

At the time of writing this entry, I’ve been cigarette-free for two and a half months and vape-free for two months. I have been using nicotine pouches as nicotine is a beneficial chemical for the body. I’ve also been minimizing carbonated and sugary beverages and have reduced my usage of energy drinks significantly. There’s also an attempt at a diet somewhere in there, but healthy food is quite inconvenient, and as I’m always on the go, inconvenient food is not something I can afford to spend a lot of time on.

Aside from that, I am at moderate risk of some kind of heart disorder, stroke, or diabetes. Just things I have to watch out for.

My doctor and I have been working on reducing my cholesterol lately, but that’s been an utter clusterfuck as many of the medications available for this cause physiological and psychological side-effects.

Mental Health.

I’ve struggled with my mental health for as long as I can remember. From depression to Intermittent Explosive Disorder, I’ve never really been able to get a handle on recovery, but mitigation and coping are things that I do best.

Of course, the past couple of years didn’t help at all. Many of us suffered issues during the lockdowns and whatnot, so it is what it is.

Over the last few months, since quitting smoking I think, my mental health has been declining much more than normal. Recently, it was so bad that a few minor inconveniences at work pushed me over the edge to where I drove away from work, sat in my car, and just screamed for a good five minutes or so.

Especially into the last month or so, I’ve been feeling like there’s a breaking point right around the corner. I also hate the holiday season, so that’s adding more anxiety than I’d like to admit. Two days ago, the wife and I went to pick up some food, and that “simply having a wonderful xmas time” song was played on the overhead speakers. I damn-near lost it.

Self-Hatred.

Okay, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not my biggest fan. In fact, I think I’m pretty shit. That’s why I hate talking about myself or making anything about me. This is something I’ve struggled with for quite a long time and has either caused, or is a symptom of, many of my psychological issues. This isn’t nearly enough to make me contemplate self-harm, though. Been there, done that, got the scars and the ridiculous stories.

I think this is the one true thing holding me back from being whole. It makes me second-guess every single thing I do or say. It’s what is telling me not to write this Goddess-damned entry.

However, it’s also what drives a great deal of my creativity. I’m definitely not sure what to actually make of it anymore, though, because it’s a double-edged sword that I’m constantly plunging into the depths of my sanity.

Am I doing this to myself? Absolutely. Do I know how to stop? Fuck no. Do I want it to stop? I’ve witnessed a bear shitting in the woods, so…

Eliminating Hobbies.

Obviously, my subscribers have noticed a lack of content and some unfulfilled promises. Yes, I’ve been struggling with creating and posting content across all platforms, but this is part of my process.

For many people I know, social media is part of their lives. For me, however, social media, including YouTube, is just another hobby. Let me list my hobbies in whatever order they come to mind:

• Making Music

• Spoken Word Poetry

• YouTube / Social Media

• Blacksmithing

• Crafting

• Chainmaille

• Wire

• 3D Printing

• Miniature Dioramas

• Art

• 3D Design

• Abstract Drawing

• Writing

• Story-writing

• Blogging

• Scripting

• Skit/Sketch

• Acting

• Collecting

• Electronics

• TTRPGs

Yeah, that’s about all I can conjure without inducing a blinding migraine. I’m in the process of weeding out what I could easily and safely cut out of my life. There are some that I’d prefer to hang onto for my own sanity, and there are some that I know I can cut. For instance, I cut out paracording and gave almost all of my material and tools to someone who wanted to get into that particular craft. I also sold most of my guitars as well.

Moving Forward.

After a bit of working through everything, I’ll be kicking back into YouTube with some new content. I’m making no promises as to what kind of content will be there, but I do have some content that I promised. That’s where I’ll start.

My workaholism is something I’m constantly working through. The key is to strike a balance between my work and home lives.

My physical health is a constant project. I have to get healthy before something gets me. My fear, though, is that it’s too late to change anything, but that fear isn’t going to hold me back. I do love a tasty treat every so often, and water is boring… but I gotta push past all that.

As for my mental health, I’ve thrown out all the “self-help” bullshit and decided to focus on what is actually good for me. Radical Honesty has been greatly beneficial, but that’s just one stepping stone in the larger journey. If making greater changes will help my journey in this regard, then by the Goddess, I’ll make those changes.

Cutting hobbies, though… There's gonna be a greater challenge overall because these are skills that I have - things that I can do which bring me comfort. I know what I can scratch out; collecting useless junk, working on electronics [which is just another collection of useless junk], some of my crafting, some of my art, some of my music. I need to cut things that I rarely find useful anymore. Most people have one or three hobbies, and I’m jealous of those people.

I guess that overall, something’s gotta give.